Thursday, November 07, 2013

Adulykem

The judgment is in on Justin Timberlake.

Adulykim.

No comprende? Please allow me to translate. If someone or thing earns my scorn, I waste no time and jump right to the verdict, compressed  for brevity's sake that is brief and to the point.

Adulykim: I don't like him.

Like Sup or Djeet, it's my shorthand if I don't like him, her, it or them.

Adulykim, adulyker, adulykit, adulykem.

I am, after all, an urban warrior.

As for JT, as I said, adulykim. Seems like everybody these days loves this lil' rascal except yours truly. As far as I'm concerned, he's a spineless slug of human being.

It's not that I consider him untalented. Quite the contrary. He's a very competent entertainer. The fact that I find his music to be crap, albeit well produced crap, is not the issue. (Though SEXYBACK by itself could be grounds for lethal injection.) He can sing, dance, produce and act as well as anyone currently in the industry. In fact, his portrayal of Napster founder and all around mold spore Sean Parker in THE SOCIAL NETWORK was almost too good. I say that because I don't think it was that much of a stretch, essentially playing himself. If the opportunity presented itself, I'd cast him as Joe "GIRLS GONE WILD" Francis for the same reason.

Call it the Eddie Haskell syndrome, another character Justy not only uncannily resembles but I believe is his muse. I can close my eyes and imagine him kissing up to Beaver's mom one minute("How do you do, Mrs. Cleaver? That's a lovely pearl necklace. Did Mr. Cleaver give that to you?") then giving Wally the business in the next. ("Hey, Sam, let's pants your little brother and throw him into Miller's Pond!") I fully admit that I am pre-disposed to dislike most curlytops in general, but again, that ain't it. Even though Timberlake sports a different look these days, he'll always be a curly-q. It's a personality trait more than a hair style.

But my real gripe with this knob began way back in the Janet Jackson Super Bowl halftime show. When she took the brunt of the blame for her infamous wardrobe malfunction, Justin Timberlake was nowhere to be found. It was as though he suddenly entered the witness protection program, leaving JJ to the wolves and not defending her in the least and in no way contrite. And remember, he pulled the cup off of her bare boob for all the world to see. I wonder who he paid off to dodge that bullet. JT became Johnny Fontaine and Janet got a one-way ticket to Palookaville. Yep, he remained unscathed throughout that whole FCC wet dream in such a gutless, unchivalrous manner that the name Justin Timberlake to me is synonymous with weasel in my book. That book's title? DOUCHES OF THE 21ST CENTURY.

Since that ill-fated Super Bowl incident, JT has become the public's darling, an SNL staple and gosh, just everybody's favorite consummate showstopper. While it delights me that his film career has stalled (IN TIME and RUNNER RUNNER were both DOA and he wants to be The Riddler is that doomed BATMAN vs SUPERMAN fiasco),it's not enough. Karma needs to kick his scrawny ass inside and out. Maybe if he goes down in flames, he can rise from the ashes a better man.

Until then, know this.

Adulykim.

While I'm trying to avoid obvious choices like anything Bieber, Kardashian and republican, here's a very short list of some other people and things adulyk either:

Daniel Tosh  
Russell Brand
Glee                
POTUS (the acronym and the holder of the office)                             
Veep (the holder of the office, not the HBO show)
Congress (what a stretch)
The Hunger Games
David Cross               
Bill Maher
Simon Cowell            
Toyota Prius
Washingtonian drivers (sorry, my Northern brothers and sisters, but your driving sucks)
People who insist backing their cars into parking spaces        
Kanye West               
Taylor Swift
YA                   
Fifty Shades of anything

And that's just the list for today.

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