Sunday, October 24, 2010

Names are for Tombstones, Baby

What's in a name?

Actually, a better question might be: What is my sudden obsession with names? Maybe I'm suffering some sort of identity crisis. (Well, not so much a crisis, per se. I'd say it's more of a irritation of the Id.) That recent article about that poor little New Zealand kid with the unfortunate name of Talula Does the Hula from Hawaii actually prompted this.

In my travels (in other words, my day job), I frequently pass a waterbirthing center that posts recent birth announcements on its office door. No last names are given, just the first name and birthdate, a nice little honor bestowed on the newborn, something they can appreciate after they've been wrung out and toweled off (it being a waterbirth and all-Everybody out of the pool!). I just had to jot down some of the monikers these parents have chosen to give their young 'uns.

Some of the choice offerings include:

Trekken-Once they move out of their parents’ basement, apparently geeks can procreate too.

Allura- Another possible candidate for Starfleet. Could be the love child of Capt. Kirk and Lt. Uhura.

Finia Joy-Pleasant sounding enough, though rather like a chocolate bar.

Luka Moon-Good name for a hero in a romance novel. Hopefully, he's not named after Keith...or the guy that swims with the fishes.

Solace-Boy, girl or none of the above? You make the call. Solace is another word for comfort, consolation and future therapy. Probably conceived after the last Bond movie. “Hey, how’s your brother, Quantum?” (Speaking of which, I wrote some secret agent stories when I was a kid in the Sean Connery 007 era. My agent’s named was Dick King. I didn’t get my own joke until much later. I didn't even realize it was a joke. Freudian at twelve years old? You betcha boots.)

Lupine-"Hello. My parents think I'm wolf-like. Please don't hurt me."

Arowyn-Sounds suspiciously Tolkien-like, making it somewhat mystical, unless of course, the parents were Cockney junkies.

Easy-Another unisex name like Solace. For the kid's sake, I hope it's not a girl.

Madrone Thoreau Pendragon- A) Future Dungeons & Dragon player,B) Pretentious git,
C) Mouthbreather or D) All of the above.

That last one is pretty horrific, but it really does try too hard. In my opinion, the best, or worst depending on your outlook on life, has to be:

Onyx Olympus

Sweet Humpin' Horehounds!

Anyone remember the old Shel Siverstein song, "A Boy Named Sue", popularized by Johnny Cash? That could be a big clue right there as to why in the name of all that's holy anyone would do this to an innocent child, unless of course they really want to encourage him take up a career in gay porn and that name will give him a leg up, so to speak. To keep their son Double O outof harm's way for at least a little while, I would suggest home schooling thr lad, that is, unless the house pets start taunting him. "Onyx Olympus? Seriously? At least I'm named Fluffy for a reason!" This cruel joke could be boiled down to another theory altogether : Unwanted pregnancy.

Were these dimwitted parents ever kids themselves? Did they never experience the evil that children do? The nicknames other kids will call them will damage their young psyches and leave them with mental scars for years to come as it is. You think when little Onyx gains a few pounds that the kids won't call him Oinks? To be so arrogantly blind as to give your offspring an absurdly affected name is the same as drawing a target on their Underoos.

And I'm one to talk? Yes, I am, especially since I had to endure the charming title of "Scotty Potty", courtesy of my very own brother and sister. Sometimes they shortened it to "Scott the Pot"just make it even worse. It wasn't until I reached public school when it morphed into the brand name for toilet paper, Scott Tissue. How charming to be associated with bodily functions. And "Beam me up, Scotty?" Don't get me started.

Just remember, Onyx, Solace, Arowyn and Lupine may some day have children of their own and they can name them whatever the hell they want to name them. Vengeance is mine, sayeth the

And if I ever had a son, do you know what I would have named him?

Why, Stymie Opie Cherney, of course.
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