Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Please Hold Thumbs: Bad Kitty

Welcome to the final FREE FREE FREE preview of the new magnum opus written by yours truly entitled PLEASE HOLD THUMBS: A NOT-SO-ROUND TRIP TO SOUTH AFRICA, now on sale all across the web including and at the source,

To catch you up to speed, my wife Laurie and I have had one helluva time getting to South Africa to attend the wedding of our daughter. In fact, it took us four days to get there , no thanks to the World 's Worst Air Carrier, Delta Airlines (AKA The Big Turd in the Sky). Anyway, after finally arriving, we made the most out of our truncated dream vacation by taking in a safari in South Africa's magnificent Kruger Park.

I hope you enjoy this final excerpt called:


Morning came quicker than any of us had hoped, especially since it had been the identical early hour we had arisen to the day before. First on the agenda after the hearty South African breakfast was the first safari of the day, the best time to catch the animals out and about since, just like their human counterparts, this was rush hour to them. We had been told to bundle up as we’d traveling once again our open-air transport and the time of year in this part of the world had been winter. And damn effing brisk it had been indeed as we soon discovered zipping about the park with our trusty guide, Russell, at the helm.
As we discovered, morning had been the optimum time of day to spot animals. Everybody was out in force and on the move, giving us a glimpse of rush hour, Wild Kingdom style, complete with exhaust of a more organic kind as evidenced by the piles of poop left just about everywhere. Interestingly enough, many animals traveled in packs, such as the giraffe, zebra and wildebeest. According to Russell, this was a survival tactic. Each species in the pack looked out for one another, nature not just taking of itself but one another. As they crossed the roads ahead of us, the pack seemed to be a variation of the It Takes a Village philosophy taken to its most basic and natural conclusion: survival.
Since my knowledge of animals isn’t very extensive, I was surprised to learn that the wildebeest and the gnu are sa
me creature. It wasn’t until I saw them trotting along that I heard them call, “Gnu! Gnuuuuu! Gnu!” like a cow with a hairlip.
Russell slowed our vehicle to a crawl as we encountered our first lions. Moving along at the beginning of their day as they always had, these magnificent beasts ignored the likes of us, staying primarily on one side of the road while we kept a safe distance. On the other side and trailing behind were three yo
ung rogue lions, looking as though they had a rough night on the town. Russell explained that these three teenage punks probably confronted the den the night before and try to throw their weight around, perhaps even attempting to take over. From their overall ragged appearance complete with fresh wounds, they appeared to have had their asses handed to them and kicked royally. Now rather demure and depressed, the boys had no other options at the moment other than tag along behind and behave themselves, the little bastards.

On our second run later that day, we stopped when we encountered a lion couple laying in the brush, just soaking up the rays an
d enjoying each other’s company. In hushed tones, Russell told up they were in the midst of mating, having it off with each other for the better part of the week. More than likely, they weren’t just complacent but totally spent. They could’ve just been sleeping off Boff #19. We sat in as much silence as possible so as not to disturb when, after a good half-hour, the tired couple rose and lumbered down the road. No sooner did they reach the center lane that the male hopped on his lady’s back and gave it to her right then and there. Why don’t we do it in the road indeed.
I couldn’t resist. I had to express my admiration.
u, sir, are my hero!” I called out to my amorous champion. I would have applauded, but instead I just saluted.

Want more? Then buy a copy, you cheapskates! What do you think this is...Reading Rainbow?????

PLEASE HOLD THUMBS: A NOT-SO-ROUND TRIP TO SOUTH AFRICA is available online in paperback at and in paperback and download at my storefront:

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