Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Summer Blogs Office

Blogs office…Get it? That’s a joke, son! That’s witty!

With summer movie season upon us, I figured, oh, what the H, I’ll play the game.
Here are my predictions for the top ten box office money-makers. I’m talking strictly domestic grosses here, meaning only U.S. dollars.

THE DAVINCI CODE…THE biggest book of the last five years will be the big ticket item of the summer, provided, of course, that it doesn’t blow chunks or people are so goddamn stupid that they are actually put off by Tom Hanks’ hair.
CARS…Normally, Pixar would rule the roost, but there is such a glut of CGI animation that maybe audiences will not be able to discern between the Good (anything by Pixar), the Bad (just about everything else) and the Ugly (the low rent shit the Weinsteins are beginning to crank out such as DOOGAL and HOODWINKED and Pixar-less Disney junk-CHICKEN LITTLE, THE WILD)Still, my money’s on John Lasseter. Hope he pulls it out.
PIRATES OF THE CARRIBEAN 2…The first one was a sleeper. Will this justify a third episode, already in production? I’d say so. If not, Jerry Bruckheimer is going to look like an absolute fool. Wait a minute, whose side am I again?
SUPERMAN RETURNS…Three hundred million mother-fucking dollars. Holy Mother of Kal-El. Fifty of that is in development costs alone since several scripts have been written (one by Kevin Smith, another the ill-advised BATMAN V.S. SUPERMAN), a near-start with Tim Burton and Nicolas Cage (yikes!) and a near-miss with the retardly named McG (thank you, Jesus). I just don’t see this jump-starting the franchise with so much at risk. This would have to do TITANIC numbers and those dollars may not be possible anymore. This may be a one-shot enterprise or to use another analogy, WATERWORLD. That was neither good nor bad. It was just okay, the worst crime of all.
CLICK…Never bet against Adam Sandler. This time he’s in BRUCE ALMIGHTY territory, so this is the closest thing to a sure thing that isn’t a sequel or a pre-sold commodity.
X-MEN 3…Brett Ratner, yeah, yeah, I know, but it’s The Grand Finale of two successful predecessors. And come on, Kelsey Grammer as The Beast? That's just nuts.
MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 3…Methinks Tommy Boy has jumped the proverbial shark. This will be an international success, but at home, where he’s been beloved since he danced in his underpants, Tom will not Cruise and domestically, he’ll disappoint.
THE BREAK-UP…The Big Date Movie of the summer, unless Jennifer Anniston has hit the rocky road of over-exposure herself and the public has tired of Vince Vaughan’s shtick. I say upgrade.
SNAKES ON A PLANE…Huge opening, dwindling follow-up weeks, but enough to bring out the curious and the kooky.
LADY IN THE WATER…Not a big M. Night Shyamalan fan, but I can’t ignore his track record. Even his weakest, UNBREAKABLE, opened big and THE VILLAGE, though it underperformed, still posted large.

The duds are going to be POSEIDON (another bad remake idea and an enormous budget at $170 mill) and MIAMI VICE (2 words: Colin Farrell)

Of those posted above, I have a desire to see DA VINCH, CARS, SUPERMAN and those goddamn SNAKES, but, honestly, what I’d rather see are the following:

THE ILLUSIONIST… Edward Norton as a 19th century magician co-starring Paul Giamatti

ART SCHOOL CONFIDENTIAL…Terry Swigoff (CRUMB, BAD SANTA) directs an adaptation of Dan Cloves’ (GHOST WORLD) graphic novel

THE PROMISE…Chen Kaige of FAREWELL, MY CONCUBINE directs his first martial arts fantasy.

PRAIRIE HOME COMPANION…Very possibly Robert Altman’s last film.

THE PROPOSITION…Australian Peckinpah! Tie me kangaroo down and then shoot it in the back of the head in slo-mo, mate!

NACHO LIBRE…Jack Black is a masked Mexican wrestler in this follow-up from the creators of NAPOLEON DYNAMITE

LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE…Big hit at Sundance about little girl beauty pageants.

THE NIGHT LISTENER…Robin Williams (shut your ignorant mouth) in a thriller by Armistead Maupin (TALES OF THE CITY)

A SCANNER DARKLY…Phillip K. Dick by way of Richard Linklater’s animation ala WAKING LIFE

SCIENCE OF SLEEP…Michel Gondry of ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND tries it w/o writer Charlie Kaufman. Can he do it?

There you have it thus far. From a 2005 summer that could not suck enough comes at least diverse schedule of product, enough to at least keep me interested for a little bit awhile. All I have to do is actually set foot in a theater. But until then….

LET THE GAMES BEGIN!
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