Monday, October 17, 2005

You Really Don't Want to Know


"That's too much information!"
That's such a gag inducing cliche of the modern age. When delivered in chirpy fashion by some perky little thirty something with a skinny latte in one hand and an I-Pod around their necks after a strenuous session at L.A. Fitness. Twits like this repeat this line several times in one day, always extending their newly manicured paw in a "Talk to the hand" pose and acting like that it their own signature phrase. When it invades my air space, it usually makes me cough up a little vomit from lunch.
Unfortunately, there is a grain of truth in that line. It occurred to me when I was listening to YOU OUGHTA KNOW by Alannis Morrisette on the radio the other day. I never fail to crank up the volume whenever this plays. It really fractures and slays me. The fact that the song's main character is the craziest psych bitch since Glenn Close just adds to my overall enjoyment. The record itself kicks royal ass and Alannis just drives this baby like a primal screaming banshee on an alcohol fueled Saturday night. Few recording artists in the last ten years have had a better debut than this and, unfortunately, nothing she has done since has ever risen to this this level.

But sooner or later, thanks to her sudden rise to superstardom, facts about Ms. Morrisette came to light and it was discovered who YOU OUGHTA KNOW was written about...and we are all the worse off for it. It seems that Alannis had a steamy love affair with...

Dave Coulier from TV's FULL HOUSE.

Not John Stamos. Not Bob Saget. Not Mary Kate or even Ashley.

Dave Coulier.

Ew.

"EW OUGHTA KNOW".

Okay. This is old news and has been pretty common knowledge for anyone that gives a rat's ass for this kind of trivial garbage. I almost wish it was an urban legend like the Rock Hudson-Jim Nabors wedding. (Turns out Rock was gay. What's the truth about Gomer Pyle? Did Rock ever make him say "Shazam"? Goll-ly!) But it's not.

And it really doesn't matter. Poor little Alannis can't be chastised for her previous indiscretions or partners anymore than the rest of us can. But let's face it, she is, thanks to the unrelenting scrutiny of the Public Eye. (Along with myself who is digging this dead carcass up yet again) Her problem is that she didn't keep all this to herself. YOU OUGHTA KNOW, while a demented ode to obsession, just overflows with passion. And now that we know who could inspire such a lust and longing desire...it makes this song even more of a joke, and now kind of a creepy one, especially what Alannis does to Dave in a movie theater. Zoinks.

Carly Simon knew to keep her mouth shut about who YOU'RE SO VAIN is about. Hell, she even auctioned off the secret to one person a couple of years back. Rumors have circulated that it might be Warren Beatty or even Mick Jagger, who, if you didn't know, sings back-up on the song. (Try listening to it now and you can hear Mick sing "You're so VAAYNE..YEW probly think this song is ABOWT YEW....") The truth is probably that is none of the above and the guy she sang about in this early seventies hit is someone like Bill Macy from MAUDE. But Carly has kept this secret to herself, maybe for that very reason. Smart girl.The mystery has kept YOU'RE SO VAIN alive, whereas YOU OUGHTA KNOW becomes...just a punchline.

And that is too much information.

Ba-dump-bump.

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