Sunday, December 12, 2004

Mind Farts

I came up with this title, thinking I was being all witty and creative and absolutely original...until I realized that George Carlin has a book out called BRAIN DROPPINGS. Who cares? I am me and he is he and we are all together. Koo-koo-ka-choo. A Mind Fart is just wind passing through my head. It isn't exactly an entire thought. Basically it's just crap I think about on a daily basis and this is pretty much of a clearing house for my brain. A porcelain receptacle, as it were. No truer words have ever been spoken than... HERE GOES NOTHING!

What if...Oprah suddenly turned evil? Lately she's been so benevolent, giving away free cars and last week, a bunch o' junk to a group of teachers (though it should be noted, she didn't pay for any of them. They were DONATED for free advertising). Anyway, I've noticed that while she has been such a frigging saint in the past year, she's also becoming more and more of an uber-diva in the process. If suddenly Opie just turned to the Dark Side, how many of her minions would follow her into the the fiery pits of Hell? Would they actually KILL for Oprah? I believe those lemmings would do anything for her. Somehow I could see the Big O becoming the vengeful goddess Kali in the next year if she hasn't taken down a few notches. She needs another failure. How's about a sequel to BELOVED? As it is, she's about to spin out of control...like a balloon at the Macy's Thanksgiving parade who just broken its tethers. "Look out...OPRAH'S LOOSE!"

Is Jude Law in every single movie this year or does it just seem that way? Who does he think he is...Ben Stiller? Look at the partial list: ALFIE, SKY CAPTAIN, CLOSER, I HEART HUCKABEES, LEMONY SNICKET. I think he plays some algae in the SPONGEBOB movie too. "What's it all about...Algae?"

In my last entry, I talked about who I would kick in the nuts or ass if I had the chance and I didn't mention the 2 Democratic losers. Losing was bad enough for these schmoes and I think I would give them until after the holidays to get over it. But when January 3 (a Monday) rolls around...look out. I'd want to show them a picture of our esteemed Prez and say, "Hey! Look what you lost to! You lost to a chimp! In fact, you got a chimp RE-ELECTED!" Then I'd turn around and boot John Edwards' bad boys into the uprights. It's really too bad. I didn't really dislike him. At first I though he was an okay candidate but it soon became apparent that he was really just a better looking Barney Fife. When he became what he considered "forceful", I was expecting him to pull his bullet out of his shirt pocket. But he was too complacent. As for John-boy...Senator Kerry...KA-CHOW! Into the uprights! You mealy-mouthed son of a bitch! Why did you wait for the last second to get tough? The problem started the moment you got nominated. Are you such a political gadfly that you thought that putting your Vietnam service in the forefront would not be attacked? You might as well have stripped naked, smeared yourself with Alpo and visited a pitbull puppy farm, then wonder why you were bit. As for Mrs. Kerry, she became a liability the moment she stepped up to a microphone. She needed to be muzzled and no one had the guts to do the job. You guys once again underestimated the Chimp Boy. It turned out that the fabled "Undecided" were going to vote for Bush all along, but didn't want to admit it in public. Everyone else was making too much fun of him to realize that it just made him more entertaining. Obviously, the general public enjoyed the antics of President Chimpy. Also, did no one get a clue from the huge success of THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST where a lot of this country stands? Ignorance is no longer bliss, people. It's a goddamn shame.

In other news...just when I'm wondering what could be done about the monster known as Paris Hilton, the SOUTH PARK boys took care of her for all of us. Try to catch a rerun of this episode when Paris opens up a "Stupid Spoiled Whore Boutique" in South Park selling items like her personal cologne Skanque. What happens to her at the episode's end is more than just the grossest, funniest thing I've seen all year...it's sweet justice.

Band names I find funny:
Bowling for Soup
The TunaHelpers
I Can Lick Any Son of a Bitch in the House
Lesbians on Ecstasy
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