Saturday, December 04, 2004

I Get a Kick Out of You

As I sit perched on the edge of yet another age demographic, I think I finally decided what I want to do with the rest of my life. I want to be a serial kicker. There are people in this world who for one reason or another just absolutely infuriate me in no uncertain terms. I'm not talking about the scum of the earth like terrorists, pedophiles or car salesmen or anyone else who deserves the death penalty. Some violators (as I call them because, yeah, I'm judgmental) have to be dealt not with a final solution but no less of a decisive manner. In other words, I want to kick them in the nuts...HARD. And, it has to be broadcast live on television for all of the world to see. If we can't have televised executions, this is the next best thing believe you me.

There are literally thousands I deem worthy of my boot. My foot would have been in a cast right now recuperating from this year's election alone. Between the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth the entire Air America line-up, Fox News and Dan Rather, I'd have been a busy boy.

By the way, my foot , since it is an extension of me, knows no party affiliation. It too is a registered Independent, if you really feeling the need to label and categorize. So let's just march right into the current administration. Mr. President? How do you do? Let me introduce you to...my shoe! Gooomph!

"Ow! You've impugned my testicles! What was that for?"

THAT was the past four years. And this...POW!...is for the next four.

While I'm here, I might as well visit Mr. Ashcroft. Oh, you're leaving? Here...Hee-yah!...Take that with you.
Colin Powell's leaving too. Here's a parting gift for you, sir...Bam! Stop off at the FCC and give this your son...Bam! Donald Rumsfeld, I presume? You look like someone kicked you in the balls already. Then this will hardly show. Boom!

Dick Cheney...I don't think so. I believe that it would just make him mad. He'd laugh, then tear me limb from limb. You see, I don't buy that he has heart problems. My theory is that they're giving him bionic parts, a little at a time, making him stronger, faster...meaner! When John Edwards brought up his lesbian daughter at the VP debate, I thought for sure Cheney would snap and backhand Edwards from across the table.

"You little punk!"

Then he'd whip off his coat, revealing his new robotic physique and slap Johnny boy around the room, causing Edwards to cry like a little girl. So I'd have to call in the big guns for Cheney cuz that sucker scares me. Perhaps a bear trap...  

Condoleeza Rice on the other hand... What should I do with the Catwoman? I can't kick her in the nuts because, as far as I know, she doesn't have any. What to do with women in general? I have no gender bias. I couldn't kick 'em in the crotch. That wouldn't be right. I thought of a head butt, but, nahhh. I could miss and hurt myself.

My favorite wrestler of all time, Stone Cold Steve Austin, had a finishing move where he kicks an opponent in the stomach, turns around grabs them by the back of the neck resting their chin on his shoulder. He then drops to the ground, causing his opponent to snap backwards to the ground. It's called the Stone Cold Stunner and would work perfectly. But it might be trademarked. I wouldn't want to suffer the consequence without permission.

I also considered the face shove, first popularized by Charlie Chaplin. He'd just take someone's face in his hands and give a good shove. See also THE PHILADELPHIA STORY. At the beginning of the movie, Katherine Hepburn tosses Cary Grant's things out of their house and, as a final insult, breaks one of his golf clubs over her knee. He retaliates by making a gesture to slug her, but instead pushes her down to the ground by her face.

But, I guess I'll just have to kick 'em in the ass, to keep my foot happy. Connie Rice? Get your bony butt up here and take one for the team.

Hey Madonna! Here's one for you too! Oprah...well, I guess I could, but there's always the danger of losing a shoe...Let's kick a few more celebs, shall we? Sean Penn, how are ya? I loved you in MYSTIC RIVER. Oof! Put that next to your Oscar. Hi, Britney! Congratulations! No, not on your marriage. This is for tossing your career into the trailer park septic tank, ya dumb little white trash skank! Ka-pow! Michael Moore, this for...oh, fuck it, you already know...UMPH!

Ah, yes, it is so gratifying to finally discover a true calling in life. These boots were made for kicking...and that's just what they'll do...One of these days these boots...are gonna severely kick you...
Okay, so I may not be a lyricist. However I am a vigilante...and I'm just in it for the kicks.
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