Putting the X in Xmas

Hey, kitty-cats, before we delve into the obligatory "Best of..." lists, one for 2009, the other for the whole furshluggin' decade, let's give a major round of applause to Mr. Grant-Lee Phillips, shall we? His latest album LITTLE MOON was named the Best Singer/Songwriter Album of 2009 by the one and only I-tunes. Congratulations to him, totally fer shur.

Grant-Lee will touring in 2010, appearing here in Portland, Oregon at the Mississippi Studios on Saturday January 23.

First event of the new decade I will looking forward, the second on February 27. What might that be? Stay tuned, you lot.

Just remember the immortal words of Andy Williams who sang:

"It's the most wonderful time of the year!"

Right back at ya, Mr. Williams.

Y'know, with each year that passes, Andy Williams is looking more and more like my dad. Give Andy a George Gobel haircut and you've got my pop. But then again, Adam Cherney would never have been caught dead in Branson, but that's beside the point, isn't it?

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, whatever the F...just Have a Merry and Happy Something.

Peace.

TV Yin and Yang

Been an interesting and rather satisfying few months of TV viewing the past few months (with a few potholes along the way).

Not to be redundant but I had to agree with just about everyone that MAD MEN ended its third season absolutely brilliantly, elevating it to my Top Ten list of Best Series of All Time. This year had a slow roll, but by its final few episodes, picked up light speed by a most satisfying season finale. One of the highlights had to be the deconstruction and damn near crash and burn of Don Draper. The scenes of Don finally coming to terms with his past to his wife Betty were spot on brilliant. Writer/creator Matthew Weiner is a television giant.

Hooray for the reinvention (or rediscovery) of Ted Danson on DAMAGES and especially HBO's BORED TO DEATH. Time for Alec Baldwin to take a backseat for awhile since he's wearing out his welcome. Danson rules the roost.

FX continues its winning streak with SONS OF ANARCHY (THE SOPRANOS on bikes) and the continually bad craziness of NIP/TUCK. As for SONS, I vote Ron Perlman and Katey Sagal as couple of the year.

Speaking of Baldwin, is 30 ROCK the most overrated sitcom on broadcast TV? Truth to be told, I have never been a regular, but for the most part, the only positive reaction I've had watching this show is the occasional smirk. While I give Tina Fey all the credit in the world for putting this show together, I still find her to be a limited comedic actress. And Tracy Morgan is a one trick pony that needs to go to the glue factory. He was one of the worst members of SNL in his time on the show and now hangs on like a cold that won't go away. As for Alec Baldwin, I say again, take a break.

Speaking of overrated, is CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM the most overrated show on cable?

CURB had 2 out of the 12 episodes that I felt were worthy-DENISE HANDICAP and THE BARE MIDRIFF. The others, including the much-hyped SEINFELD reunion seem to coast along on its reputation, like Larry David himself. Most of the time, I feel like he's saying "Eh. That's good enough." Other times, he tries too hard and the strain is really beginning to show. However, I do give he and Michael Richards a round of applause for having balls o'plenty to confront Richards' racist rant a few years back. Overall, my enthusiasm for this show has been curbed to the point of abandoning the vehicle altogether.

On the reality front, I've finally watched TOP CHEF and even though the food is more interesting here, it's really no different than Food Network's NEXT IRON CHEF. (By the way, someone needs to take a swing at Alton Brown) On the other hand, host Padma Lakshmi is the world's most beautiful dullard. My God, what a boring woman...and she was married to Salman Rushdie. Even he got fed up with her dial-tone voice and endless posturing."Please! Put me back on the fatwa! I beg of you! She's boring me to horrors!" Salman probably pleaded. To which I can only add, ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ................................

Again, I have to add that most of my viewing habits lay in cable programming with the miracle of on-demand options thrown in for good measure.. While others have some sort of DVR or choose to catch shows on the Internet or renting DVD of shows, how the hell are the networks or broadcast television going to survive? The answer is: They're not. Free TV is going the way of all flesh. This year's mandatory conversion to digital was pretty much the first nail in the coffin.

Next on the hit list: the Nielsen ratings, amercy killing in my book.

Mark my words, o' true believers.

Excelsior!

The Oprah Ain't Over

The world is coming to an end. Oprah has announced that she is giving up her talk show...in 2011. We only have a year and a half to bathe in the glow of the Majestic One. Then, in May of 2011, Oprah will go away forever.

No, she isn't. Oprah is just going to stop giving it away for free, that's all. The day AFTER her last iconic syndicated talk show, The Oprah Winfrey Network aka OWN and a re-booting of the Discovery Health Channel will debut. That's right. If you want your Oprah, you're going to have to get cable. Maybe she'll give it away like she did all those cars a few years ago. "And you get free cable! And you get free cable!" or a satellite dish.

Regardless, this is the Oprah of the future. But she'll still be interviewing, don't you worry now. She plans to call it "The Master Class". the creme de le creme of anyone she deems worthy.

This is yet another death blow to broadcast television. There ain't no one on the horizon that will ever be able to sit on that daytime throne she has so proudly sat upon for almost 25 years. It'll just be a bunch of stragglers and wannabes, some good (Ellen), some not-so-much (Dr. Phil). But no one will fill that gap Opie will leave and broadcast TV will soon become as relevant as AM radio.

But she's moving on. As the saying goes, the Oprah ain't over 'til the fat lady sings.

Please Hold Thumbs: Bad Kitty

Welcome to the final FREE FREE FREE preview of the new magnum opus written by yours truly entitled PLEASE HOLD THUMBS: A NOT-SO-ROUND TRIP TO SOUTH AFRICA, now on sale all across the web including Amazon.com and at the source, Lulu.com.

To catch you up to speed, my wife Laurie and I have had one helluva time getting to South Africa to attend the wedding of our daughter. In fact, it took us four days to get there , no thanks to the World 's Worst Air Carrier, Delta Airlines (AKA The Big Turd in the Sky). Anyway, after finally arriving, we made the most out of our truncated dream vacation by taking in a safari in South Africa's magnificent Kruger Park.

I hope you enjoy this final excerpt called:

PLEASE HOLD THUMBS: BAD KITTY

Morning came quicker than any of us had hoped, especially since it had been the identical early hour we had arisen to the day before. First on the agenda after the hearty South African breakfast was the first safari of the day, the best time to catch the animals out and about since, just like their human counterparts, this was rush hour to them. We had been told to bundle up as we’d traveling once again our open-air transport and the time of year in this part of the world had been winter. And damn effing brisk it had been indeed as we soon discovered zipping about the park with our trusty guide, Russell, at the helm.
As we discovered, morning had been the optimum time of day to spot animals. Everybody was out in force and on the move, giving us a glimpse of rush hour, Wild Kingdom style, complete with exhaust of a more organic kind as evidenced by the piles of poop left just about everywhere. Interestingly enough, many animals traveled in packs, such as the giraffe, zebra and wildebeest. According to Russell, this was a survival tactic. Each species in the pack looked out for one another, nature not just taking of itself but one another. As they crossed the roads ahead of us, the pack seemed to be a variation of the It Takes a Village philosophy taken to its most basic and natural conclusion: survival.
Since my knowledge of animals isn’t very extensive, I was surprised to learn that the wildebeest and the gnu are same creature. It wasn’t until I saw them trotting along that I heard them call, “Gnu! Gnuuuuu! Gnu!” like a cow with a hairlip.
Russell slowed our vehicle to a crawl as we encountered our first lions. Moving along at the beginning of their day as they always had, these magnificent beasts ignored the likes of us, staying primarily on one side of the road while we kept a safe distance. On the other side and trailing behind were three young rogue lions, looking as though they had a rough night on the town. Russell explained that these three teenage punks probably confronted the den the night before and try to throw their weight around, perhaps even attempting to take over. From their overall ragged appearance complete with fresh wounds, they appeared to have had their asses handed to them and kicked royally. Now rather demure and depressed, the boys had no other options at the moment other than tag along behind and behave themselves, the little bastards.

On our second run later that day, we stopped when we encountered a lion couple laying in the brush, just soaking up the rays and enjoying each other’s company. In hushed tones, Russell told up they were in the midst of mating, having it off with each other for the better part of the week. More than likely, they weren’t just complacent but totally spent. They could’ve just been sleeping off Boff #19. We sat in as much silence as possible so as not to disturb when, after a good half-hour, the tired couple rose and lumbered down the road. No sooner did they reach the center lane that the male hopped on his lady’s back and gave it to her right then and there. Why don’t we do it in the road indeed.
I couldn’t resist. I had to express my admiration.
“You, sir, are my hero!” I called out to my amorous champion. I would have applauded, but instead I just saluted.

Want more? Then buy a copy, you cheapskates! What do you think this is...Reading Rainbow?????

PLEASE HOLD THUMBS: A NOT-SO-ROUND TRIP TO SOUTH AFRICA is available online in paperback at Amazon.com and in paperback and download at my storefront:


http://www.lulu.com/scottcherney

Please Hold Thumbs: Hurry Up and Wait

Welcome to the second exciting excerpt from my recently published book, PLEASE HOLD THUMBS: A NOT-SO-ROUND TRIP TO SOUTH AFRICA, now available at Amazon.com.

In this installment, my wife Laurie and I are finally on our own merry way to attend our daughter's wedding in South Africa. Unfortunately, there's only one thing standing in our way: the worst airline on the face of the earth. Their name? Now that would be telling. I'll give you a hint: It rhymes with Schmelta.

Please enjoy: HURRY UP AND WAIT

Laurie and I had other things in mind, like unleashing the hounds of neurosis upon each other for some pre-trip jitters. This involved the main task of packing. I made sure that I got my stuff out of the way first because my darling wife takes a little while to pack, say…twelve hours? If you think I’m exaggerating, I assure you I am not. She brings more clothes than all of the passengers on the SS Minnow combined. Should we ever be shipwrecked, she’ll be fine. Not only is she getting her own stuff together, she has to double check mine or at least question my packing methods. Okay, I may not be Mr. Neat, but, honestly, once she wanted me to get clothes-folding lessons from her son. In her eyes, I needed a packing tutor.


I attempted to get some rest on the couch at around midnight, but the flurry of activity and my own anxiety prevented that from occurring. So, I stayed up all night and when Laurie had finished somewhere around 2:30 AM, we tried to relax a bit before Boris picked us up at 4:00. She was quite proud of herself and to tell you the truth so was I. She had worked her tail off all day long and was ready on time. This had always seemed to be the hardest part and now it was over. I took it as a good omen.

This break gave us time to go over our flight schedule one more time before we sailed off into the wild blue yonder. We were scheduled to leave from Portland Airport AKA PDX on Friday, July 19 at 6:15 am PST heading for New York’s JFK Airport by 4:45 pm EST. (I’ve got all these designations down, don’t I?) A little over an hour later, we would depart from JFK at 5:55 pm and arrive in Johannesburg, South Africa on Saturday at 240 pm…uh, BLE (below the equator). This meant we would be spending, with time differences, over twenty hours in the air. Were we up for it? Sure, why not? The short stop over in New York was cutting it very close but I had something that I believed would get us through. It’s a little thing called Faith and in that, I would find my strength.

Lo and behold, it wasn’t meant to be.
An announcement was made that Delta Flight #98 had mechanical difficulties that would delay its departure for at least two hours. This did not instill a lot of confidence right from the start. We had been there since about 4:15. Where was everybody else? Did some Delta nimrod leave the lights on all night and run the battery down? We could have checked out the plane ourselves, fixed it and still left on schedule.

Our timetable didn’t allow for this kind of nonsense since this delay would cause us to miss our connecting flight on South Africa Airways in New York. The Delta representative booked us on the next flight out, #1982 to Cincinnati, which was departing at 6:55. Then we would make an immediate connection to JFK twenty minutes later. This would have gotten us there just in the nick of time.

With a shrug, we were relieved that we were given a solution to our dilemma as we sat aboard Flight #1982 bound for Ohio. Once on board, we relaxed temporarily since there would be no reason to fret until we hit the Eastern Seaboard. I slept sporadically, catching glimpses of some asinine on-flight movie that I had no desire to actually attempt to watch on land, in the air or even under the sea. It suddenly dawned on me that after all these years after the contest my parents won way back in the sixties, here I was actually going to Cincinnati. I wouldn’t get a chance to see the Bengals, but then again, they wouldn’t get to see me either.

We landed in Cincinnati only ten minutes late, which would not have been too bad except that it cut our time in half. We were landing at gate 24 and had to board at gate 1. As we discovered, we were not alone. An extremely tall German woman had a connecting flight leaving JFK about the same time as ours was chomping at the bit as we soon as we hit the tarmac. When the door opened, she was out of chute number one and galloped like a gazelle leaving us in the dust. With our carry-ons weighting us down, we still managed to tear across the entire length of the terminal and arrived at the gate just in the nick of time.
Huffing, puffing and sweating like long distance runners, we plopped down in our new seats and sighed with relief that we were going to make it. There really was no turning back now nor was there a way to turn us back. Damn! This was exciting! We were facing these set-backs in stride and I couldn’t help but sing a variation to The Mary Tyler Moore Show theme song to myself.

“We’re gonna make it after all!”

Why not? I full of Faith.

Then the first flight announcement began.

“This is your Captain speaking. I’m sorry. We’re facing a slight delay in take off, but I’m sure will be departing momentarily. Please stand by.”

A couple of minutes later…

“I’m sorry. It seems as though we’re facing a weather front that going to put us more than just a little behind. For those of you with connecting flights at JFK, the nearest Delta representative is ready, willing and able to help you solve any problems with your travel plans.”

Leaving Laurie on the plane, off I went to speak to the Delta rep in question. Immediately, this cordial, courteous and very helpful young lady informed me that we could make a connecting flight to France when we arrived in New York. Satisfied with that update, I returned to my wife. Another hour had gone by when the Captain announced the next piece of breaking news.
“It seems as though we are going to be sitting tight for quite awhile. There are severe thunderstorms across the Eastern Seaboard which means we are not going anywhere until they pass.”

At last, the weather broke and we able finally able to leave Cincinnati at 915 PM, a full (yet spiritually empty) seven hours after we had arrived. I passed out for the brief flight, knowing full well we’d be scrambling again once we reached JFK. I trusted Laurie had done the same since we needed all the energy we could muster to get through this next leg of our journey. After twelve hours, we had only made it as far as Ohio. If everything had gone according to plan, we would have been well over the Atlantic by now.

Maintaining my positive outlook on the whole situation, I recalled the Daylight Savings Time rule.

Fall back, spring forward.

As far as I was concerned, this was the best course of action. Unfortunately, I had it backwards.

Spring forward, fall on my face.

To be continued....

PLEASE HOLD THUMBS: A NOT-SO-ROUND TRIP TO SOUTH AFRICA is now on sale in paperback and downoad at http://www.lulu.com/scottcherney and in paperback from Amazon.com

C'mon back next time for my final free preview:

PLEASE HOLD THUMBS: BAD KITTY